so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
