How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
