Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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