This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
