it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
