Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
