tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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