i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
