Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
