Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
