I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
