Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
