When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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