I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
