Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
