Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
