There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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