i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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