I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
