Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
