I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
