So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
