I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
