i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Holy sore nipples Batman
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
