Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
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Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
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I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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