dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
