in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
