in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
