No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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