you're like a bully in the Christmas story
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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