I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
