Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
