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My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
