I love black thongs
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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