I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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