She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
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we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
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I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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