Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You're like the curious george of whores
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
