I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
