So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
