shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
