the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
