the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
