I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
