A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
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Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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