I love black thongs
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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