just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
