It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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