you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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