Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
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you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
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I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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