My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
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malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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