How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Houston, we have a blender
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
