i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
