Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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