Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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