Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
